Healing from complex trauma as a Christian woman.
“Thirty, flirty, and thriving” is supposed to be the anthem of women entering the decade of their 30’s. For me, it looked more like “30, drowning, and trying to survive”.
At 31, I had just had my second baby and left my job (one that sucked the life out of me) to stay home full time. We had also left the church we were a part of because it was 45 minutes away from home, and with 2 littles, it was too far to get plugged in. I sang on the worship team there (a passion of mine), but even that had dwindled down to almost nothing. I was lucky to get scheduled even once per quarter. We had virtually no community where we lived. We had a few friends from college that still lived near, but we were all in the throes of babies and jobs and just trying to figure it all out, so we didn’t see them often. We needed a church community in our actual community.
During this season, we were also witness to my husband’s oldest brother’s fight with brain cancer. A diagnosis he received at 35, and valiantly fought for 6 years. A couple of months after his passing, the engine in our one family car, blew. We were already stretched thin on one income, and we had just run out of savings, just in time for Christmas (thank God for family members so willing to help!). Sprinkle in more family drama, a minor surgery, and illness for good measure, and you’ve got the picture.
So far, my 30’s were nothing short of a roller coaster.
In this season, God felt almost like some cosmic ghost that I couldn’t reach. I felt alone, increasingly paranoid and negative, and could feel the desire to climb in a hole and hide from the outside world taking over. I realized I needed help. I needed healing. I needed Jesus.
My childhood was, unfortunately, not unlike many others. A child of divorce, blended family’s, a sibling with special needs, neglect and abuse. There is much to my story, but the important part I want to share now, is that when I was little, in the midst of neglect and abuse, Jesus was incredibly real and close to me. It was like I could almost even see Him, as strange as that might sound. I’m sure that my imagination (perhaps the Lord) created a picture for my mind so that I could see what I could so tangibly feel. I remember vividly, God saying, “hold on to me, I will redeem all of this one day”. I don’t know any 7 yr old’s that can articulate the word “redemption”, but I could, and I understood what it meant.
Fast forward to 2019, I felt compelled to read a book that I’d heard a few people talking about, “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk. It was in these pages that my eyes were opened to how the trauma I experienced as a child was living wild and free in my body today. I felt more and more validated and seen as I read stories of others, and began to understand why I felt and behaved the way I did.
This white knuckled death grip I had on life, was a trauma response.
The need to control everything. The crazy “sixth sense” I had about people, and the ability to read everyone’s emotions and anticipate what might happen, or what they might be thinking. The more I was needed, the more I wanted to retreat. I was feeling more and more insecure around my husband, and almost hid from intimacy. The fact that I had NO idea what I thought or felt about anything in life. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere, and I felt inherently unworthy…inside, I was numb. This is CPTSD, or complex trauma.
The crazy thing is, I was so used to operating this way, that on the outside, I looked totally fine! My family was well cared for. I still smiled and carried on with life. I still went out with friends, or had them over (if our schedules ever aligned). I took my kids to play dates, and preschool, and we got involved in a new church 8 minutes from our house. I even started singing on worship team again!
There was a MASSIVE disconnect between my inner and outer world, and my body was paying the price. Thankfully, God was about to bring it all to a grinding halt.
I certainly felt that “still, small voice” encouraging me to get counseling for years, but I kept putting it off.
“When we have enough money…”
“When the kids don’t need me so much…”
“When Doug gets settled in his job…”
“When my schedule is clear…”
Finally, I couldn’t ignore it anymore. God literally cleared my schedule. I have no other explanation. It shouldn’t have happened the way it did, but in the fall of 2020, when the world was still mostly shut down, God was like “how about now?” and I finally decided to go all in.
I spent the next 4 months going to trauma informed counseling and Brainspotting therapy like it was my job. I got off social media except only to share what I was learning here and there. I set my business down completely, and didn’t look at a single email or number pertaining to it. I totally stopped watching or reading the news. My focus was solely on healing, and being present with my family.
It was the single most transformative season of my entire life.
I read book after book about trauma, codependency, neruoplasticity….I wanted to learn it all! I was totally fascinated by how the brain worked, and the fact that I actually could heal, and begin to think in a new way. I emerged as a completely new woman, and though I didn’t fully realize it at the time, I had a new assignment.
During my last appointment with my counselor, I sat across from her with a big smile on my face, healed and ready to move forward, and I said “I don’t know what to talk about today. I’m actually really good!” She said, “good. I think you’re ready to graduate to a coach!”
Counseling is for healing the past, coaching is for moving into the future.
I began working with coaches, learning everything I could about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and eventually got my certification. I knew what God was calling me to do. He needed me to guide other women through the process I had just experienced so they can move in to the future assignments He has for them.
I don’t know where you are today, but I do know that God is not done with you. He has an assignment with your beautiful name on it. I believe so deeply that there is a reason you’re reading this today. Just like me, you’re ready for something more. Something meaningful.
God is whispering “how about now?” to your heart.
I created a mini course called “Discover Your Design” specifically for you. To give you the tools and the awareness to go where God is calling you. Are you ready to answer?
Your transformation is one click away…