How to set boundaries: A biblical approach…
“Where there is an abundance of chaos, there is usually a lack of good boundaries”-Lysa Terkeurst
I did a poll on Instagram where I asked 4 questions-here are the results
Q: If you were raised in a Christian home, was it okay to say “no” or was this regarded as “total disobedience”? A: 62% said total disobedience
Q: Are you able to say no as an adult, or do you feel like you'll be punished? A: 64% said there will be negative consequences
Q: If someone asks you to do something (especially at church), do you feel obligated to say yes-looking at it as “sacrificial servant hood”? A: 75% said definitely
Q: Do you ever think, “If I don't, who will”? A: 77% said yes
-This is significant-
My friend, this kind of conditioning has lead women in the church to believe that
their needs don't matter.
Even worse, this conditioning leads to abuse.
Please hear me. I am NOT saying this is your parent's fault. They did what they thought was best, based on the information they had (just like we all do). In most cases, they were so well intentioned, and we need to recognize that our parents are humans just doing their best. Forgive. (Obviously, there are instances of trauma and abuse, which is a totally different subject that requires counseling.)
We all want to raise our kids with biblical stewardship, but not having boundaries and ignoring your basic needs is not biblical stewardship. It is people pleasing (fawning) at best, and God does not call us to that. As Christians we are responsible to one another, but not for one another. There is a difference.
Galatians 6:2 says “Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.” This verse points to how we are responsible to one another. When someone’s burden is too heavy to carry themselves, we are to help them with “sacrificial love”-or help carry the load with whatever capacity we have. 2 Corinthians 9:7 “You must each decide in your heart how much to give. And don’t give reluctantly or in response to pressure. For God loves a person who gives cheerfully.” If you are giving out of obligation, guilt, or resentment, you’ve violated your own boundary, and it is no longer love.
Galatians 6:5 says, “For we are each responsible for our own conduct.” This verse points us to personal responsibility. We are not to take on someone else’s responsibility that only they can carry. There are some things that only we can do for ourselves, and we have to take ownership of those areas. Things like, feelings, responses, behaviors, and responsibilities like personal care and work.
This has gotten so warped in the church, and it's the reason volunteers burn out, church staff have mental breakdowns, and once vibrant organizations fall.
Boundaries give clear guidelines on how to love ourselves and others well. It helps us keep the good (love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness…) in, and the bad (resentment, bitterness, pain, manipulation…) out. Always look at the fruit.
As a former people pleaser, scared to say no to anyone or any opportunity to serve, one of the best questions I ever learned to ask myself was,
“Is this mine?”
This question invites the Holy Spirit in to the conversation-he is there to give you discernment. I promise you, saying “This isn't mine to take on” will not have a negative consequence (if it does, it's a red flag). Being firm in what isn't yours will help you stay available for the assignment that IS yours.
On the flip side, always saying “yes” leads to resentment, anger, grief…this is not the heart we want to serve with. We have to recognize when we are saying “yes” out of obligation, and practice saying “no” so that when we do serve, it's from a grateful, overflowing heart.
This is worship.
Understanding the difference of being responsible to and for can bring a lot of clarity to relationship. The truth is, we cannot grow for others. We cannot control their feelings, or thoughts, or choices. While it can be hard to watch someone face the consequences of their poor choices, it is necessary for their own growth and maturity. We are each responsible for ourselves. “Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. 13 For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.” (Pilippians 2: 12-13). We are each called to continual growth, and that is no one else’s responsibility but our own.
In summary;
1) Boundaries help us love ourselves and others well
2) We are to serve others when their burden is too much for them to carry, but only out of our capacity and a cheerful heart.
3) Invite the Holy Spirit to guide you when you’re unsure if something is your assignment.
4) We have to let others experience natural consequences for their own growth and maturity.
5) We are personally responsible for our own growth.
Boundaries are good, and kind, and loving. They will dramatically improve your relationships, not only with others, but with yourself and with God.
If this is an area of struggle for you, you are not alone! Especially if you grew up in a household of “always obey” and total compliance. This effectively taught you how to NOT have any boundaries. It will take work and time to repair this emotional injury. Do not do this alone. You can seek counseling, look to your church for a recovery group such as Celebrate Recovery, speak with a trusted pastor, or coaching.
If you’d like to explore 1:1 coaching with me, click the link below to schedule a free discovery call! Learning how to have appropriate boundaries will literally change your life. Don’t put it off any longer.
Want to learn more about boundaries? Check out the book “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud
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